The Graduate Awakening

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

2008-01-05T19:08:00.000-05:00

Yet another year has passed by. I've grown quite a bit. Professionally, I've gotten a promotion - more responsibility, but hopefully ::fingers crossed:: more fun. Emotionally, I've learned (or at least I think I have) not to fall in love too quickly. To "guard your heart" is even more important than I realized. Spiritually, I've had an on and off relationship with God. Sometimes I just know He's there every step of the way. Other times, I struggle to recognize Him in my life...

Though I've grown, sometimes I feel as if I'm bumbling along wasting away my 20s. I still struggle to find myself. Identifying my likes and dislikes has proven to be an enormous challenge. Do I do the things I do because I want to do them? What are my goals? Am I focusing on the right things? Who am I? Why am I here? What am I supposed to accomplish? What if I figure out the answers to these questions too late?

At the beginning of 2008, I challenge myself to find some direction, to actively pursue it, and not to get stuck in a routine because it is comfortable. I insist that I actively pursue something anything that I love. Life should no longer pass me by while I passively let the time slip through my fingers.

What exactly have I been up to the past few months?

2006-12-31T19:20:00.000-05:00

It's clear that I haven't posted in a long time. A few months ago I took on some more responsibility at work. I started planning my own events rather than just helping people with theirs. Needless to say, I was psyched. It's not that helping other people with their events bothered me. The whole experience actually taught me a lot. However, the new role brought me a new sense of empowerment. I finally had control over my own (rather small) domain.

It started as a trickle of events - one, then two, then all of a sudden it was an uncontrolable deluge. In a department being pulled in all directions at once - with hundreds and thousands of events a year - they had no choice but to bump up my workload. My excitement has since dissipated. Getting more events has lost its luster (though there are the few that have piqued my interest). Generally speaking though, events have become mundane for me now. I'm ready for the next challenge.

In the meantime, as my work load intensified, I was also preparing to close on my apartment. Let's just say that 60 hour weeks alongside preparation of coop paperwork is just not fun. After I finally closed, it took me 3 1/2 months to pack and move in because work would not let up. Of course, if I had a strict deadline I would have done everything in my power to meet it. I didn't have one though - which was a blessing. Otherwise, it would have been an extremely unpleasant moving experience.

Now that I'm finally living in my first place, I finally have some time to myself again. Rejoice!!! I've begun reaching out to friends again. If I'm not out and about, I have the pleasure of looking for furniture and decor. So much fun!

I keep falling in love with my new neighborhood. Each and every time I stroll around I discover yet another aspect that makes me enjoy it even more. The quaint brownstones, the restaurants, the owner operated shops, the proximity to the city - I think I made a good decision.

Here's to a wonderful 2007!

Early Retirement

2006-07-01T21:19:00.000-04:00

I have returned home from a day at the beach and as The Southerner said, "It rejuvinates the soul like nothing else." I have always had a love affair with the summer. My favorite part has always been laying out on the sand, squishing the sand between my toes and fingers, having the ocean breeze flutter through my hair, taking a dip into the ocean when I get too hot - I even like the salty film it leaves behind.

Today, I have decided on two more goals:

1) I really hope to have an early retirement - hopefully sometime in my early 40s. I understand that this will be difficult to do. I understand that it will be highly unlikely. However, I can still hope to retire at an age when I still have the physical capability to go out, explore, and experience new things.

2) When I retire, I would like to have a house on the beach. I don't want to settle for an apartment because there are tasks I'd like this house to aid me in performing. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and sit on my front porch to enjoy the warm ocean breeze. I want to sit outside and watch the sunset. I want to be able to have my friends and family come over (and stay over) and breathe life into my home. I want to entertain my guests with elegant cocktail receptions, charming breakfasts, casual lunches, dynamic conversation, and stories of years past. I want to enjoy these things without having to deal with the hustle and bustle and stress of being at work.

Money isn't everything. Time is much more precious. Most of our time shouldn't be spent slaving away at a desk. It should be spent fostering the relationships that make our lives worthwhile. I won't look back one day and say, "Yes! I really enjoyed that time I stayed at work until midnight staring at the computer screen so I could make that event perfect." Instead, I will look back fondly at the little moments - sitting around chattering and chortling with my nearest and dearest, a look, a glance, a hug at a time it was needed the most. Retiring early will give me more of these valuable memories and will make my life all the more worthwhile.

The Man

2006-06-24T21:42:00.000-04:00

I miss having quiet time. I miss having time to think. I miss the imagination that free time affords a person. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I am missing all these things because I'm working for "the man."

Corporate America has its benefits and its drawbacks. For starters, it provides me with a steady paycheck. There are some perks - cars home after working late at night, free dinner after working past a certain time (or if I happen to have an event and I have time to sit down and eat), comraderie among (some) of my coworkers, getting special treatment at new venues (on occasion), etc. Each of these perks has a price though the greatest of which is my time.

Working in a department with a ton of turnover and an odd schedule (Normal workday: 8:30 a.m. - 5:30 p.m.; Event workday: any time they need you to be there) causes someone like me to put in extra hours. I'll have to wait and see if there is a payoff at the end.

I would love to start my own business, but obviously cannot do so until I have capital. I won't have capital until I save enough from working. Working for the man is a necessary, but important evil.

Seriously - where has the past three months gone?

2006-03-25T17:52:00.000-05:00

Time has been flying at an unreasonably fast pace. I have no idea where the past 12 weeks have gone. I haven't had time to post at all primarily because I've been insanely busy at work. I've had one high maintenance event after another. Every time I think I'll have a break I *might* get one slow day, but inevitably something will add on to my workload. I haven't had time to breathe. I haven't had time to relax. I've been one huge ball of stress. It's really sad.

What ever happened to graduating from school and getting a nice cushy job where I can relax a little bit?

Who am I kidding? I'd get bored with that, but it would be nice if I wasn't so exhausted when I go out on the weekend...

In memoriam

2006-02-04T22:01:00.000-05:00

I've been waaaay too busy to post, ,but I just wanted to take a moment to remember Betty Friedan who passed away today. She was the author of The Feminine Mystique and aided the femisnist cause through founding the National Organization for Women.

'Tis a sad day.

Resolutions

2006-01-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

I may be overwhelming myself with the number of resolutions I have made for this year, but they are all things that I think are fairly imperative. I've already begun acting on most of them, but frequently that isn't the hard part. It's more difficult for me to keep going. Eventually there will be a million and one excuses that will tempt me not to continue my progress - indolence, love of food, lethargy, lack of self control & self discipline, loneliness, fear, paranoia, and so many more. As of now though I'm surprisingly motivated and I will use that motivation to its fullest.

1. I will not call or speak to him. There is no reason why I should. I should not want to associate with someone who has no interest in me. I am a great person and there is someone out there who will appreciate me. I do not have to keep taking blow after blow to my self-esteem simply because he doesn't know what he wants. Plus, I'm young. I want to have fun. I want to meet other people. I want to do things for myself and stop setting myself aside for him.

I've been fairly successful with this. I haven't contacted him since early December. I think about him still, though. That'll only stop over a longer period of time.

2. I will get healthy. I will not continue to eat when I'm already full. I will eat smaller portions so I can still enjoy eating a variety of food, but not overeat. I will exercise. I will be healthy enough not to get winded after jogging for a few minutes. There is no reason why I should get winded at the age of 21. I am old enough to understand that my family has a history of high blood pressure, diabetes, and cancer and to do something about it. Exercise and eating healthy will lower my risk and hopefully give me a better standard of living when I am old. I'm not gonna deny it though - I mainly want to be healthy now so my clothes fit and look better.

I'm trying really hard to eat more healthy food. It's just really hard in my house where there is a never ending supply for candy, cookies, cakes, chocolate, snack foods, and leftovers. Not to mention huge amounts of dinner every night. I really am trying. I've been using the elliptical machine at least 4 times a week, but like I said I'm easily winded since I'm so out of shape so I don't stay on for very long. I've called a gym to join, but whenever they call me back I'm not around and every time I call them back my contact isn't there. That's been fairly frustrating - especially because I don't know how long this motivation is going to last. Anyone know of a better gym for me to call? I'm looking for someone to teach me how to use the equipment, clean showers, lockers, and a pool, somewhere in midtown (anywhere from 5th Ave to 8th Ave between Columbus Circle and 40th St) or something close to the N,R,Q,W. Preferably nothing too expensive, but I'm willing to spend more for a clean place to shower afterwards.

3. I will *finally* try new activities. I have a list of things I've always wanted to do. I will start chipping away at this list. I will try new things. I will not fear doing these things without a friend in tow. I do not need to allow self imposed social anxiety prevent me from doing what I want to do or exploring new interests. Besides, it'll be a good opportunity to make new friends.

I've already gone out on a limb and I've signed up for a cooking class in February. I've also decided that I'm going to go to an event - I'll let you know more about that after I go. I feel a bit silly even thinking about going to this, but I can't rule it out if I've never gone before.

4. This is closely related to the previous resolution - I will do things outside of my comfort zone. I will learn to say no. I will stop placating people at my own expense.

We'll see how this goes.

Here's to a new year!

Random musings from yesterday's wandering

2006-01-08T13:04:00.000-05:00

I was so focused on the fact that I remembered that I was uncool in high school that I forgot some of the other things that The Historian and I did yesterday.

Bloomindale's needs to lower the thermostat. It is ridiculously warm in there. I was completely parched by the time I left.

Did you know that there is a Home Depot in the city? As we were wandering around in search of a beverage, we came across it. It is unlike any other I've seen. It was neat, there was no musty smell, and the displays were fabulous! As you enter and take the escalator upstairs, they had a display meant to look like someone's apartment. On one side was a wonderful (kitchen? - I can't remember what room of the apartment) set up and there were these large "windows" overlooking a fantastic (cardboard) view of the city. On the other side of the windows was a "balcony" with outdoor table and chair set and a barbecue. Wonderful display concept.

I am completely aware that Dylan's Candy Bar is a total ripoff. $9.99 for a pound of bulk candy is completely ridiculous and yet I still couldn't control myself. I simply had to fill up my bag with jelly rings, chocolate covered gummy bears, turtles, and peach rings.

I most definitely prefer the Upper West Side to the Upper East.

Now I remember why I'm so insecure

2006-01-07T21:54:00.001-05:00

As much as the past has scarred me, it has been a distant memory and I had forgotten who I was before I had started college. Today I was reminded of who I was when I was in high school.

I had met up with a friend of mine, The Historian, whom I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years. She and I are both horrible at keeping in touch with people so it really comes at no surprise that it's been that long. I recognized her as soon as I saw her standing outside of Five Points. She hadn't changed a bit.

We entered the restaurant for our favorite past time - eating. Brunch was fantastic and completely well worth all my anticipation. We started with mimosas and shared an order of churros and hot chocolate. The churros were tasty (and surprisingly thick and plentiful - I was not expecting five churros over one inch in diameter), but they weren't covered in enough sugar. That was corrected by dipping them in the warm, thick, hot chocolate. They didn't match up to the warm doughnuts I had at Stanton Social the other night, but they were still gratifying. What deep fried food isn't? Then we proceded with the meal. I had the turkey pot pie, which was absolutely to die for! It wasn't technically a pie, you see. The turkey filling was placed in the bottom of the dish. The sauce was neither too thick nor too thin. There were just enough vegetables and they were not overcooked or mushy, but they weren't too raw either. On top was a gently placed biscuit. The biscuit was fabulous as well! I could have eaten it all on its own. It was crispy, golden brown, and flaky on top and fluffy on the bottom. These two parts put together made for one really great dish and one very satisfied eater.

We continued to shop in the area. Two pitstops were at spaces where new and upcoming designers rent space to sell their goods. It was totally interesting to see what they had created. I really give these people credit - their work is what they have a passion for even though they've placed themselves in a precarious financial position. Besides that, some of them were really talented. They created unique pieces that were beautifully put together. I was tempted to buy a lot of clothes/jewelry, but I controlled myself and only got one citron necklace. It became a must have for me because I can wear it as a necklace three ways and as a belt. Come to think of it, I was so entranced by it's multipurpose nature that I never really checked the mirror to see what it looked like on me.

Wandering around SoHo was fun and much more enlightening than I had expected it to be. Chatting with The Historian had brought me back to the past. With comments she made in passing I remembered that in high school I wasn't part of the "in" crowd. Don't get me wrong - I had my circle of friends and had good times with them, but we were not the popular, pretty, pecunious, party girls. We had formed our own little cocoon and accepted each other's idosyncracies. We worked hard at school. We were obedient. We ate a lot. We got far more enjoyment out of the little things in life. We were fanatics of various things, things that many teenagers don't care for - Footloose, *NSYNC, Rent, Harry Potter, baseball and the list goes on and on. We were aware of things our peers never really discussed outside of school and found joy debating things like politics or religion. We had fun in our own way, but we didn't have fun with the in-crowd. We weren't complete social outcasts though; we had an amicable relationship with the in girls, but they were merely acquaintances. We were dorky, but that was ok because we could all be dorky together.

In any case, as comfortable as I was in my own group, I was more than aware of the fact that I was excluded from parties and other such gatherings. I didn't start getting pretty until the end of my junior year and I didn't really become "attractive" until the summer after I graduated high school. I was completely a late bloomer and even now I lack some key social skills. I didn't have a boyfriend until my freshman year of college and up until then I had worried that I wouldn't kiss anyone before I died. Yes, it was that bad.

Then college happened. My first year was horrible. I was a fish out of water. There wasn't anyone I really cared to socialize with. I transfered to another campus after a year. Ever since then, things have been on the up and up. Pledging my sorority has been one of the best things I've done thus far and that was really the first time I was ever part of anything that even remotely resembed the "in" crowed. Even though I didn't have an endless amount of friends in Greek life, girls in my sorority were (and still are) friends with girls in other sororities and guys in fraternities - in historically white, black and Latino Greek letter organizations. We can pretty much have a good time with anyone and people appreciate that about us. I didn't transform into Ms. Popular by any means in college, but I was far more comfortable in my own skin. (The extra male attention didn't hurt either).

Essentially the past two years temporarily erased my four years of high school and I had completely forgotten why I'm still insecure to this very day. Now that I remember, I hope I can do something about it.

Socializing

2006-01-04T12:37:00.000-05:00

The weeks surrounding the holidays mean only one thing for college students - a month long vacation. I miss having long breaks immensely even though I've only been working for 5 months. No more 4 week long winter break or 3 month long summer break to look forward to.

I am exceptionally jealous of all my college friends who have this extended respite between semesters. For me, this month is not a break. It's a mad dash to catch up with friends who are home from school. It's been crazy trying to figure out how to see everyone while juggling my work life and commute.

Last week I had dinner at Stanton Social with The Southerner, a friend of mine from high school who had transplanted herself to the South for further education. I hadn't seen her since my birthday in August and there has been lots and lots to update each other on. I got there early so I went upstairs to wait for her by the bar. To my left was a couple exchanging presents. Or, rather, there was a guy giving a girl bag after bag and box after box of those pretty blue Tiffany boxes. I was forced to contemplate my singlehood for much too long, but finally The Southerner arrived in a frazzled state. I knew we had a lot to talk about.

As we walked down the stairs she burst into storytelling. When we arrived at our table we could barely cut the conversation long enough to select our meal. We needed to confer because Stanton Social offers those small plates that have become ridiculously popular as of late. We decided upon Red Snapper Tacos (a surprising delight!), French Onion Soup Dumplings (a dish the restaurant is known for - a complete and utter disappointment), Paella Cakes (so-so), Pulled Pork Sandwiches (another average dish). Once ordering was out of the way we continued to examine various events that comprise the tapas of our lives- tales of heart break, break-ups, hook-ups, future plans, friendships etc. etc. Soon, our meal and heated discussion was over and we shared a plate of warm doughnuts, covered in sugar, and dipped in caramel, chocolate, or strawberry sauce. The frenzy of recapping the past few months died down and life seemed much, much sweeter.

I love tourists, but some just need to be shot in the head.

2005-12-29T09:57:00.000-05:00

I cannot express how crowded it is around my building this week. We are located in tourist central. There are hoards of people crawling through Times Square mindlessly gawking up at all the shining advertisements and flickering lights. There are masses of people congregating at Rockefeller Center, once again staring at the twinkle of the Christmas tree above. I understand that tourists are integral to the city's economy. I understand that many of them come from places that don't have buildings as tall or sights as glitsy as ours. I appreciate that they want to visit this lovely city. I am a fellow traveller and I understand what it is like to be in a new place and want to make the most of the experience. There are just some things that I cannot tolerate.

I do not appreciate when tourists just stand in the middle of the sidewalk and loiter. I especially hate it when the tourist in front of me stops short for no particular reason at all. Why, oh why, do tourists think it's ok to take a picture anywhere they please? I suppose tourists only bother me for one reason. I know where I'm going and they get in my way. They make a walk that should only be 5 minutes into a 15 minute stress fest.

Tourists, listen up! New Yorkers get a bad rap for being rude. Perhaps it is because we have no qualms about mauling you over when you stand in our way. We mean nothing by this seemingly aggressive act. Really. It's just our natural instinct taking over. There is one simple solution to this misunderstanding. Whenever you want to stop walking, MOVE TO THE SIDE and GET OUT OF MY WAY! I implore you, please move to the side so that I can get to where I want to be. Point and stare all you want, but stop delaying my trip because you're on a leisurely stroll. I'm going somewhere and you're in my way so I will do whatever I need to do to get through the crowd, even if that means moving you to the side, where you should have been in the first place. So please, do not make my natural instincts appear and move to the side so I no longer have to shove you out of the way. I take no pleasure in this. I don't even notice half the time so please move to the side and let me through.

At least I can garner some humor from the tourists almost getting run over by cabbies because they don't know how to cross the street.

Let it go...

2005-12-23T17:09:00.000-05:00

During finals and midterms in high school, my gym teacher would have us do a relaxation exercise. We'd lie down on the floor and she'd instruct is to tighten muscles in a particular part of our body and then tell us to "let it go" when it was time to release the pressure. Surprisingly, it actually worked, but I never took the time to do it on my own.

Unfortunately, years later, I still have not yet learned to relax. Instead, I've mastered being tense and holding onto things that upset me.

My company's holiday party is the first event where I can enjoy myself since I don't have to work all evening. My shift is over early enough to allow me to participate in the flawless evening. The decor has transformed the space into a winter wonderland. The band is fantastic; their covers are played just as the original bands and artists intended. It seems as if the song selection is determined by the iPod of a music fanatic set to random. Songs cater to everyone's taste. The food is traditional with a witty twist. Beer and wine is flowing. Because I like my coworkers, the company is grand as well. Everything seems to be going right. By now, I should be wary of having too much fun because that is precisely the moment when the tension of the past returns, but I am fooled by the festivities.

The impeccability of the evening continues as I get ready to leave. I have just enough wine and feel just lonely enough to dig through my bag, find my Blackberry, and call him. Of course he doesn't pick up. Why would he? He's never there when I miss him anyway. Minutes after I get into the car my Blackberry starts to vibrate. It's him! We chat for a bit. Then I find myself accusing him of not wanting to speak to me anymore. He tells me it's not that he doesn't want to talk to me. It's just that I leave him angry text messages. I let the comment go for the rest of the conversation, but true to form, let it bother me. We hang up. It keeps eating at me. Let the texting begin:

Me: I haven't sent angry text messages in a while
Him: I guess. But one day you're mad and the next day you're not.
Me: Internally I suppose. You free tomorrow night?

Blah blah blah - we end up making plans to have drinks at his place the next night.

While I'm at work the next afternoon I get a text on my cell phone and my Blackberry - He just found out that he has to have dinner with a client that night. He proposes that we meet up next week. I tell him to inform me when and I'll check my calendar. No response. The next day I text and ask him how dinner went. No response. Saturday, on another late night drunken text against my better judgement, I ask, "I don't understand why me being mad at you sometimes even matters to you." Surprisingly he responds, "Of course it does. I wouldn't want that!" Sunday I ask him if we're still on for this week. No response. It just so happens that I've been tired and sick so I really haven't had time or energy to deal with him. The moment I have a tinge of energy I use it to text him (completely sober this time) saying, "For someone who doesn't want to anger me you sure do it often. Thanks for ignoring me and blowing me off yet again."

He's completely infuriating! I hate it when he ignores me. Few things eat at me more. Why can't he just be constant?! Pick one. Choose to speak with me or choose to ignore me. Is that so difficult? I, of course, can choose to stop contacting him as well, but like I said I still haven't learned how to just let it go. I can't let go of the memories. I can't let go of missing him. I can't let go of all the ways he's taken care of me even though he's told me that he cares about me, but doesn't love me anymore.

one, two, three strikes - you're out!

2005-12-22T08:57:00.000-05:00

It's day three of the MTA strike and lucky for me my boss is understanding and let me work from home today (and tomorrow too!). This move just makes sense. She knows I'm not feeling well and with the strike it's a pain to get into and out of the office. Plus, it's the week before Christmas and now that the children's holiday parties have been cancelled there's really nothing to do at the office. Everyone who has vacation days is taking them. Everyone who's in the office is not doing much.

Thank goodness my boss is nice. Other people are stuck coming in for the rest of the week (though I don't have much pity for those that live in close proximity to the office and can walk 20 blocks to work. Yes, it's cold outside, but I'd have to walk that far plus take a bus in).

Just for the record, I am not in favor of this strike. It strengthens the union, but hurts the employees - the very people that unions are supposed to protect. Each of them loses two days pay for each day they are on strike. Plus, they're fined $25,000 as well if I'm not mistaken. I don't like the idea of being told to strike. Call for people to walk out, but don't order them not to work and make it socially unacceptable for them to cross the line and make them suffer these hardships without a choice. Choosing to do something and being ordered to do something are two totally different things.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

2005-12-19T20:53:00.000-05:00

I have not had time to post. We had just about a badillion holiday parties to work last week. On Friday I got home and crashed. I passed out, completely forgot I had a Christmas party to go to. Whoops.

About two weeks ago we had another set of newbies in my department. I was pleasantly surprised. All three were down to earth and I could see myself hanging out with the new girls. So on Saturday, despite not feeling well, I decided to go to my new coworker's (aka. "Joy") Christmas party. She and her two roommates had invited their friends over for a cocktail party. I was really glad I went. First of all, her apartment was very quaint - it resembles the future apartment I have envisioned for myself. Besides that, it was nice to be surrounded by people who didn't have any preconceived notions about me. I fluttered from conversation to conversation. I was comfortable even though I only knew three others who had attended. I was even comfortable after two of those three people had left. I felt like I was in my element. I didn't feel out of place even though I was surrounded by strangers. I felt attractive, even though no one tried to hit on me (the fact that I felt attractive is even more surprising because there was a person that I was interested in and he didn't ask me for my number as I had hoped). I chatted up a storm and Joy later told me that her friends had thought I was really nice. Granted, this was all based on a first impression, but at least it reassures me that I'm not completely socially inept.

I am unreasonably harsh when judging my own social aptitude. Sometimes I think I'm congenial and social. Other times I think I'm standoffish and not talkative enough. Of course, this insecurity stems from another insecurity - that men aren't attracted to me. I've come to terms with my physical appearance. I consider myself somewhat attractive. I only think I'm ugly on very bad days. Otherwise I carry myself with confidence. Despite this, I still question my personality even though the people I come across seem to enjoy my company.

I need to learn to just be myself and accept myself as such instead of trying to keep reaching my "better" self. Always seeking perfection is a frustrating, neverending chase.

Working Stiff

2005-12-13T10:51:00.000-05:00

As a member of corporate America, I don't mind being required to wear a suit to work everyday. At the beginning it was expensive to accumulate a good number so that I could rotate on a daily basis. After a few months, however I've amassed enough to get me through a few weeks. It feels completely natural to wear heels, pants or a skirt, and a jacket, especially in this atmosphere.

Once the atmosphere changes, however, so does my outlook on the clothes I wear. We had a reception at Dream Lounge for an employee hoilday party. The bar was very hip and trendy; I wasn't a fan of neither the lounge's nor the hotel's take on this image. The lounge had bold stripes on the wall that continued on the floor and the ceiling. It was waaay too psychadelic for my taste, but once the lights were dimmed and the candles were lit it was a bit more toned down. The hotel lobby had nude sketches on the walls, mirrors, metal, dark wood, and this huge cylindrical fish tank - totally random and not aesthetically pleasing at all. Making me feel even more stiff were the cocktail waitresses and bartenders - jeans, Uggs, short skirts, tiny tops, knee high boots, etc. Much more "casual" than I could ever be at work.

Eek! Scary

It just makes me wonder what life would be like right now if I had decided to work at a boutique hotel firm either as a front desk agent or a salesperson. I'd be able to wear comfy or cool clothes to work, but would I be happy? Would the job fit me as well as this one does? Would my hours be just as long?

Second guessing my decisions is in my nature, but in this case it's really unnecessary. I'm happy where I am.

Over the Hill

2005-12-12T09:40:00.000-05:00

I visited my friends at school on Friday. I had dinner with two of my closest friends at our favorite restaurant in Queens. Whenever the three of us want to go out to dinner this is our usual. It's nice. It's familiar. I miss them when they're not around. Around them I feel completely normal. They are truly my peers. I respect their opinion even when they're chastising me for texting him on Friday during work. Even when they tell me that I should just ignore him when he contacts me out of the blue. Even when they show me their own weaknesses and concerns. Even when they have their own frustrations and challenges to face.

Afterwards we went to a fraternity party. A year ago I would have had a really good time. Don't get me wrong. I did enjoy myself because of the group of people I went with, but I still felt like a fish out of water. Everyone else seemed so young, naive, and sheltered. They lived within the confines of college and their plans were limited to final exams and parties. They had no broader vision.

I know I'm not old. I'm 21. I should be a senior in college now. Except I did that last year and now I feel old despite what my age is.

One is the Loneliest Number

2005-12-05T12:57:00.000-05:00

I went back to my college this weekend for my sorority's semi-formal. For some reason, it didn't occur to me to bring a date. That in and of itself hardly bothers me though. I did, afterall, go to my senior prom alone with no qualms.

It was fun seeing everyone again. Since most of my friends are set to graduate this coming May, it was just like old times.

Afterwards we rented a party bus to celebrate two birthdays. I wasn't bothered that everyone was paired up until we boarded the bus. We drove around the city, made a few stops here and there. With each stop I got more and more sullen. Perhaps it was my drunken state (actually, I'm almost positive that it was because of my drunken state), but I threw caution to the wind and I texted him. Mind you, I was doing really well. I hadn't contacted him in over a month. I had even said goodbye. I truly thought we'd never see each other again even though I didn't want that to be the case. We texted back and forth:

me: What's up?
him: I'm out. How about you?
me: In the city with my friends. In the village.
him: I saw you on west 4th.
me: You wanna meet up?
him: Can't tonight. But maybe tomorrow.

I didn't respond to him after that. I figured that was the end of the conversation until I received another text:

him: Actually @ home now
me: Too late. Maybe next week.
him: Rough. Found a better offer?
me: No. Just missed your chance tonight. Weather's getting bad.

And that was the end of that. I have no idea why I torture myself like this. I know he's no longer interested in me. We stopped officially dating ages ago. We can't seem to find our way to becoming "just friends." Yet, I'm still having the hardest time letting go.

Meanwhile, when he told me that he didn't want to see me I felt the need to contact this guy. It wasn't even because I wanted to see him. I just wanted a replacement after he said that he didn't want to spend time with me. I should just delete the new guy's phone number because I don't really ever want to see him. He's just a back-up. Someone to bolster my ego when he deflates it.

Why do I continue to want to spend time with him? He doesn't reciprocate my feelings. It defies logic.

Being sober can actually be fun!

2005-12-03T00:27:00.000-05:00

I came home today in a huff. I had heard some disappointing news at work (not work related) and I began to blame the world for all my problems. The last thing I wanted to do was be on Staten Island. I felt stifled. I was getting a serious case of cabin fever. I just needed to get away from my house. Thank goodness I had made plans with Jackie.

I was worried my spirits would not allow me to be personable, but I didn't want to waste a perfectly good night of catching up with a good friend. So I went and hoped I could control my pissy mood.

I'm so glad that we decided not to meet at a bar. I am certain that if I had alcohol in my system this evening I would not have been very good company. Alcohol only enhances the mood I am in. Since I was in a shit mood when I got home I would have been in an even shittier mood with each drink I had. We sat. We chatted. We laughed. I felt better. All without getting drunk.

K.I.T.

2005-12-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

After completing 18 years of schooling I have collected nearly as many yearbooks. In nearly every single one, someone has written the letters "K.I.T." - keep in touch. As the years have passed it has gotten more and more difficult to follow through with my friends and former friends' request. Ever since I've graduated I've become more accutely aware of this.

After graduating from high school, my friends and I dispersed to colleges throughout the east. Some friends, who were truly amusing, brilliant, and jovial, I quickly lost touch with when I didn't have a daily lunch break to reuinte us. College classes, activities, social networks, and internships ate up my time and I failed to find a moment to dial, e-mail or IM. Others I contacted dilligently because they were my closest and dearest friends, my mental and emotional strongholds during a period when I couldn't be one for myself. Without them I wouldn't be where I am today, but as time has passed we had forged our own paths and, in two unfortunate cases, chose to alienate ourselves from one another. That leaves me with the remainder of my friends.

I'm on a quest to learn how to reconstruct the chains of friendship that have become brittle or broken these past few years. There are people who I really wish I had continued to speak to during my college years, but failed to. I want to contact them and see if they still have the same characteristcs that drew me to them originally. Or maybe I'll find that they have new traits that will peak my interest. This is a mission that I began last night by IMing someone I haven't really sat down and talked to in years.

There are friends that I have been meeting up with every few months. I want to make a commitment to make sure that this continues because I value their friendship, input, and perspective. I miss them when they are not around.

This whole pursuit causes a bit of trepidation for me though. When you deal with people who are close to you, you also deal with your heart. There have been instances in my past where friends had taken advantage of me and when I have taken advantage of some of my friends. I've been hurt and I have hurt others. I am sure that these situations were not created intentionally. I now attribute them to our immaturity and inability to recognize the situation as exploitive. I'd like to make amends with them one day, but in the meantime I fear that my well intentions will be abused. I refuse to let my own paranoia debilitate me though.

All these plans are well and good, but the true test is whether I actually follow through. I'm still trying to find a balance here at work. Events happen all the time - days, nights, weekends. In fact, I was at work for a mini-conference at 6:30 a.m. today. Busy weeks zap me of all my energy. Throw in the fact that I have to commute one and a half to two hours each way on a typical day and I can barely find enough time for my own peace of mind. The true challenge lies in being able to find time for family, friends, work, and myself.

Know-Nothings

2005-11-30T12:40:00.000-05:00

I am a person with very little patience, especially when it comes to stupid questions. By stupid questions I don't mean questions coming from those who are eager to learn, those who are inquisitive. Instead I define "stupid questions" as those that come from people too lazy to learn.

I feel like I'm faced by my "stupid question" dilemma nearly everyday at work. What makes it more frustrating is that it usually it comes from the same few mouths. Come to think of it, it's usually from the same mouth. I don't mind helping. In fact I am quite willing to do so. This is conditional though.

I understand that if you've never done a particular task before, you need someone to teach you how to do it. In this situation I am most understanding, of course. Then, as you do the task alone for the first few times, you may have follow up questions to clarify what I was saying in teh original lesson. That's perfectly acceptable in my book as well. However, when you've asked me the same question 16 times before, when you've failed to note my clarification time and time again, and I am busy trying to finish my own work please do not assume that I am ok with having to teach you the same lesson again. At this point, my patience wears very thin. Since I am so passive I go ahead and say the same exact thing I've told you a million times before even though it would be less painful for me to bang my head against the walls of my cubicle. There must be a better way to handle this situation without me completely losing my cool eventually.

Elevator Music

2005-11-29T15:18:00.000-05:00

At work I am typically found under the following four circumstances:
1) So busy I don't have time to breathe or think
2) Uneventful and boring
3) At an offsite event, one not held in my office building
4) Running around like a lunatic for what seemingly feels like the whole day.

Today can most definitely be categorized as option #4. I have been running errands around the building all day.

However, there was a nice little diversion. As I waited for the elevator a random fellow employee started chatting it up with me. During our elevator ride he asked me what floor I worked on and what department I'm in. This in and of itself is not all that thrilling, but when you take into account the fact that we have a profile for each employee on our intranet things seem a bit brighter for me.

What can I say? Little things (ie. attention) make me a happy camper.

Girl on Top

2005-11-28T14:05:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, while I was out with my friends I had met a cute guy and we had exchanged numbers. A few days later he hadn't called me and, for the first time ever, I made the first move and called. Surprisingly he called back. We talked for a bit and met up one afternoon. We wandered around looking for a place to eat and once we finished lunch he invited me back to his place for a drink.

As paranoid and mature as I am, when it comes to dealing with men I'm very naive (although my naivite is diminishing). I didn't know what going back to his place equated to. He grabbed some Coronas, we went upstairs to his room and watched some TV. One thing led to another and, because I was attracted to him, things went a bit further than I had anticipated. I was a bit freaked out because being with men I don't know is not something I typically do. I was also upset with my judgement call because during the course of our lunch date, I actually came to kind of take a liking to the guy.

I was expecting not to hear from him ever again. I chalked it up to experience and labeled it as such. I convinced myself that liking him wasn't plausible anymore because he only wanted one thing from me and he got it already. Much to my surprise he actually called me two days later. He left a message, I called him back the next day, got his voicemail, then... nothing. I didn't hear from him for about a week so I called him again and he called me back a few minutes later. We chatted and he said we would make plans to hang out "really soon." He then disappeared for another week when I texted him last Wednesday while I was looking for something to do that night. He texted back, invited me over in fact, but unfortunately for him my life is multi-faceted and I had already made alternate plans.

I am increasingly feeling like the pursuer in this situation and as much as I believe that women can be in a dominant role, I prefer not to do so in the dating field. Even if he just wants more of the same, can't he at least try to initialize contact? Is that so difficult?

Please, someone, anyone, enlighten me. I'm getting bored of men with no balls.

Googlism

2005-11-27T15:57:00.000-05:00

The most amusing mindless fun I've found today: http://www.googlism.com/

justine is 90
justine is probably the sexually most stimulating book i have ever read
justine is experienced in all aspects of trade mark law
justine is a perfect example of why yachts are referred to in the female gender
justine is in the middle of reading jones’s mosquito; it is magnificent
justine is a new transfer student to shadyside high
justine is not intentionally bad
justine is 5?5 in height and weighs around one hundred and twenty pounds
(close enough)
justine is seed # 4 and gets a bye in the first round
justine is an emma bovary for the wal
justine is an institution
justine is a consumate live presenter
justine is bored with her life and it takes a new crewmember at the retail rodeo to shake her life up
justine is a past secretariat of the uk facilitator’s guild
justine is discovering that at thirty
justine is not a good girl
justine is okay
justine is torn and guilty
justine is thirty years old and works as a discount store clerk in texas
justine is a brilliant comic invention who comes into her own when she ends up as an au pair
justine is serving a long sentence with no chance of parole
justine is an animal lover
justine is almost immediately taken by him
justine is known more for its $20 spanking sessions than its culinary offerings
justine is abhorred by this
justine is freed on bail
justine is forced to cope with years of mundane normalcy
justine is being consistent with last time and feels sick all the time
justine is a gorgeous blonde that is a true "barbie
justine is a multi
justine is based on the classic four
justine is a very cute and sweet looking soft body
justine is a timorous
justine is one of two daughters of jerome gabionza
justine is about to be evicted from her apartment so
justine is the assistant director of the center
justine is weary
justine is both the title of alice thompson's first novel and the infamous work of the marquis de sade
justine is befriended by sister angélica
justine is a unique creation
justine is unremittingly morose and angry
justine is keen to get her first taste of city life straight away
justine is a star
justine is watching her life go by while working the cosmetics counter at the retail rodeo department store
is from a lower class and is a servant of the family
justine is an "individual thinker"
justine is about to unveil a new project thal both destroys the peception of a "woman's group" as an albatross and creates breathtaking new musical
justine is definitely both easy going and impulsive as well as a good laugh
justine is one act you will not want to miss
justine is a frustrated 30
justine is a snake
justine is sent to hell
justine is already married
justine is intrigued by what she sees in holden which is a kindred spirit in misery
justine is one of the most favoured high tech cosmetic and skin care products available in south africa
justine is also not far from its 90th birthday in november 1997
justine is able to manage a good work
justine is the book that got sade committed to the charenton asylum where he was imprisoned until his death
justine is the anti
justine is forced to decide between her safe
justine is unable to explain how she came to possess the picture
justine is bored with her small texas town
justine is three years old
justine is married to phil
justine is kidnapped by professor robson's enemy
justine is a thoroughgoing social fantastic
justine is an exception
justine is a fourth year chiropractic student at canadian memorial chiropractic college
justine is thrilled when she is offered the undercover role of assistant to preston montgomery
justine is strangely drawn to holden
justine is the only sufficiently developed character
justine is an accomplished and compelling storyteller
justine is a past secretariat of the european facilitators user group
justine is 5 _ and six months ago

Black Friday

2005-11-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

There are certain days where I look back at the past year and note the difference between the two. I ask myself what I had been doing on that exact day 365 days ago. Sometimes I look back fondly. Sometimes I realize how much I've grown. Sometimes it hurts. Yesterday was a combination of all three.

For the past few years the day after Thanksgiving had evolved into a tradition among my closest friends. The day after Thanksgiving meant going to Theresa's house to trim her tree. When day turned into night, we'd enjoy druken debauchery and I could induldge myself with seeing him - the one I haven't been able to stop being hung up on after all these years. Last night was the end of that tradition.

Change is always a painful action for me even though I realize that change can be good. Since I am no longer welcome to the traditional after Thanksgiving festivities I will no longer bump into him. This is exceptionally good timing because the last time I called, he ignored me. It hurt. It always does even though I've grown more numb to it now. I'm forcing myself to stop pursuing him because it's futile. We have chemistry, but he doesn't care about me. I wish I knew why I continue to want someone who doesn't have feelings for me. I think it's because I've deluded myself into thinking that he secretly does.

It also hurts because it's the manifestation of losing a dear friend. Theresa and I were friends for 7 years. Now she won't speak to me. This situation is especially surprising when dealing with her. Typically she faces a problem head on. She never had a problem confronting me before. For the past year she had been introverting her anger. I'd much rather she just scream and get it out of her system. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing I can do. She may have kept her mouth shut, but she's still as stubborn as she has always been. I know better than to continue to pester her about our friendship. She will approach me if she's ready to let go of her anger. Until then, I've lost her.

I met up with Christina in Park Slope instead. Seeing her last night felt perfectly natural despite how previous Black Fridays were spent. I had fun. We always seem to meet such interesting characters yet I was hopelessly enslaved by my mood swings. My mind kept peering into the past especially because I didn't find a "distraction" (a.k.a. a guy to flirt with). Instead we had been befriended by a group of college students. I just graduated from school, but I felt so out of place. I felt so old, so mature, even though some of them were older than me. Change may be good, but the act of changing still makes me uncomfortable.

Cliques should've ended in high school

2005-11-23T13:20:00.000-05:00

In high school I learned that certain people are drawn to particular groups of people. It's not possible for everyone to be best friends with everyone else. Certain interests, activities, behaviors set people apart from one another. Going to a small school, however, I saw that these groups could peacefully coexist and interact with one another. Most of the time I felt perfectly comfortable approaching people who I didn't speak to on a daily basis.

In college I couldn't be bothered with cliques. I talked to everyone that I wanted to.

My department is very team-centric. It has to be. Little tedious tasks - gathering information, making calls, preparing supplies, etc. - are dealt with so much easier when they are shared by several people. We all interact with each other at the events themselves too. So it really surprised me to realize that I would have to deal with cliques at the workplace.

About 5 people who are in their early 20s started this summer. 4 of the 5 just graduated from college. 4 of the 5 are female. Naturally a person would group us together. That person would be wrong.

It's not that we don't get along, but I don't understand exclusivity. I've never been in an environment where I had to deal with that. I was always welcome. Now all of a sudden I'm not. I'm excluded from after-work debauchery. I'm excluded from weekend fun. Now don't get me wrong, it's only been several times, but that doesn't make it any less annoying.

Working is Hazardous to Your Health

2005-11-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

Everyone had warned me about gaining the freshman 15 once I entered college. They were wrong. My weight had stabalized and I had actually lost a few pounds as well. No one ever warned me about graduation gain. Moving back home to a house full of snacks, sweets, and heavy meals has made me gain back all the weight I had lost. On top of that I have to face the danger zone (also known as my office).

I have very little self control. I want what I want when I want it. I fail to realize the consequences. If I do, I don't care about them until after they come to fruition. This is the predicament I face nearly every time I go into work. In the world of event planning, food is ordered in excess and leftovers are readily available for me to graze on. "Lucky" for me, there's a file cabinet in front of my desk whose primary purpose is to hold all these goodies and taunt me. The cabinet has showcased sandwiches, salads, pasta, pesto, cookies, cakes - all types of food that a person can imagine. After Halloween there was an overwhelming supply of sweet treats. I have been unable to say no to any of them. Everytime my willpower is tested I fail. Miserably.

Because of all the food I've eaten, I'm starting to feel sluggish. My clothes no longer fit properly. My cheeks are plump. My stomach is too. I don't like feeling like this.

I've tried to start exercising, but after commuting 2 hours from work I'm just too tired to motivate myself and go on the elliptical machine. The machine itself is frustrating as well. I feel overexerted since I'm so out of shape. I'm out of breath in less than 5 minutes. I wish there was a kickboxing class I could go to instead.

When I move into the city, I hope to eliminate all these problems and more.

Child's Play

2005-11-19T23:24:00.000-05:00

This morning we had a showing of Harry Potter. All was fine and dandy. The kids were extremely excited. I got to see the movie for free (and we all know how much I like getting things for free).

At the end of the movie, we had given away some little toys and trinkets for the kids who attended the show. I had made the mistake of having the following conversation:

Me: "I'm sorry, we're only giving the gifts to the children."
Woman: "We'll, I should've gone to [competitor]'s instead..."

Considering she was even invited to this event, she could have afforded to purchase the contents of all 150 gift bags and have plenty left over. Sometimes adults can be so ungrateful. Sometimes they can act more childish than children.

Field Trip

2005-11-18T15:09:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I enjoy my job so much is the fact that I'm not chained to my desk. Granted, I do spend a good amount of time there, but every so often the job calls for me to venture out. Today was one of those days.

Aaron invited me to go on a site visit to the newly reopened Top of the Rock. I never really thought about visiting the space until he brought it up this morning. I wasn't busy today so off we went to see what kind of event the space could contain. Our group of nine entered the building and went on the elevator very professionally.

As soon as we reached the Observation Deck it was a whole 'nother story. The crisp, cold air rouged our cheeks and bolted us to alertness. The vibrant azure sky and fall foliage of Central Park were breathtaking backdrops. We all became little kids, giddy from the gorgeous view. Smiling from ear to ear we chatted with tourists and gladly took their cameras so we could freeze that moment in time. Being in this place didn't feel like work. It felt like fun!

We returned to the office about an hour later refreshed and still peppered with the giddiness we had experienced before. All day I have not had the stress induced headaches I've been plagued with all week. I've felt light and airy all day. A guess this is what a few moments outdoors does to a girl.

I'm not really one to do touristy things. I never went to the Oberservation Deck of the World Trade Center. I just visited my dad at work on the 97th floor. I broke up with the person I had made plans to go the Empire State Building with. I use the Staten Island Ferry as mass transit. Both of my attempts to go to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty (for real field trips in grammar school) failed due to weather. There was just something about the Top of the Rock, though that makes me want to go back. I'd saunter in at 11 p.m., buy the last pair of tickets they have for the day and admire the view, cuddling with someone I care about. At the stroke of midnight we'd be as giddy as my group was today and we'd merrily continue our evening feeling like we are 67 stories above the ground.

Safety Net

2005-11-17T11:18:00.000-05:00

You asked me once what the difference was - why I kept contact with you and why I didn't have any interest in continuing contact with him. I didn't know the reason why then. I do now.

Every time I feel a little bit "off," when things don't go my way, when I'm sad, when I'm lonely - I have this undeniable urge to give you a call and spend time with you. You always made me feel safe from the challenges of the world. With you, I felt comfortable and safe. You helped me form a cocoon to protect me from the elements and save me from myself. The only thing you couldn't protect me from was you.

Don't get me wrong. You've never laid a finger on me (as in you've never hurt me physically). As of late, you hadn't even been critical of me, my dramatics or my tears. Yet, it never fails to happen: The moment I trust you will be there for me is always the moment when you choose to drop off the face of the Earth. I'd really like to witness the thought process behind this action. Sometimes it feels like you do it on purpose. You reel me in, you make me feel safe, and then ::poof!:: You disappear.

This time is different though. The only good thing that may have stemmed from losing her friendship is that there is very little chance that you and I will ever bump into each other. I know you won't ever call me (because that would indicate the Apocalypse) so in order to see you I would have to contact you. It's been two and a half years of this on and off. I think I may have finally gotten sick of this game. No wait. I think for self-preservation purposes I have to make myself get sick of this game.

What will I do the next time I'm stranded and have no where else to go? I'll be alone and that's terrifying.

In the beginning...

2005-11-16T13:55:00.000-05:00

I've always promised myself that I would write in my journal often to figure out what I've done, what I'm doing, and what it is I plan on doing with myself. You know, do some good 'ole soul searching and self-revelation. This plan was all well and good at the beginning of the summer, right after graduation. I didn't have a job. I didn't want one. Until the end of the summer, that is, so I could spend my last 3 month vacation until retirement at leisure.

In August the summer of leisure ended. In came the beginning of a new career and some cash, out went most of my time for instropection. Needless to say, I've been slacking with the writing. Can you imagine me whipping out my journal sitting in my cubicle or at an event? I think not.

Things are a lot more confusing in the "real world." Not confusing. That makes it sound like it's a bad thing. Everything is so open-ended, so seemingly infinite. There are a multitude of options for every single decision I have to make. I'm looking to find some focus. I'm looking to find me - wherever that may be.