Thursday, November 17, 2005

Safety Net

You asked me once what the difference was - why I kept contact with you and why I didn't have any interest in continuing contact with him. I didn't know the reason why then. I do now.

Every time I feel a little bit "off," when things don't go my way, when I'm sad, when I'm lonely - I have this undeniable urge to give you a call and spend time with you. You always made me feel safe from the challenges of the world. With you, I felt comfortable and safe. You helped me form a cocoon to protect me from the elements and save me from myself. The only thing you couldn't protect me from was you.

Don't get me wrong. You've never laid a finger on me (as in you've never hurt me physically). As of late, you hadn't even been critical of me, my dramatics or my tears. Yet, it never fails to happen: The moment I trust you will be there for me is always the moment when you choose to drop off the face of the Earth. I'd really like to witness the thought process behind this action. Sometimes it feels like you do it on purpose. You reel me in, you make me feel safe, and then ::poof!:: You disappear.

This time is different though. The only good thing that may have stemmed from losing her friendship is that there is very little chance that you and I will ever bump into each other. I know you won't ever call me (because that would indicate the Apocalypse) so in order to see you I would have to contact you. It's been two and a half years of this on and off. I think I may have finally gotten sick of this game. No wait. I think for self-preservation purposes I have to make myself get sick of this game.

What will I do the next time I'm stranded and have no where else to go? I'll be alone and that's terrifying.


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