Saturday, November 26, 2005

Black Friday

There are certain days where I look back at the past year and note the difference between the two. I ask myself what I had been doing on that exact day 365 days ago. Sometimes I look back fondly. Sometimes I realize how much I've grown. Sometimes it hurts. Yesterday was a combination of all three.

For the past few years the day after Thanksgiving had evolved into a tradition among my closest friends. The day after Thanksgiving meant going to Theresa's house to trim her tree. When day turned into night, we'd enjoy druken debauchery and I could induldge myself with seeing him - the one I haven't been able to stop being hung up on after all these years. Last night was the end of that tradition.

Change is always a painful action for me even though I realize that change can be good. Since I am no longer welcome to the traditional after Thanksgiving festivities I will no longer bump into him. This is exceptionally good timing because the last time I called, he ignored me. It hurt. It always does even though I've grown more numb to it now. I'm forcing myself to stop pursuing him because it's futile. We have chemistry, but he doesn't care about me. I wish I knew why I continue to want someone who doesn't have feelings for me. I think it's because I've deluded myself into thinking that he secretly does.

It also hurts because it's the manifestation of losing a dear friend. Theresa and I were friends for 7 years. Now she won't speak to me. This situation is especially surprising when dealing with her. Typically she faces a problem head on. She never had a problem confronting me before. For the past year she had been introverting her anger. I'd much rather she just scream and get it out of her system. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing I can do. She may have kept her mouth shut, but she's still as stubborn as she has always been. I know better than to continue to pester her about our friendship. She will approach me if she's ready to let go of her anger. Until then, I've lost her.

I met up with Christina in Park Slope instead. Seeing her last night felt perfectly natural despite how previous Black Fridays were spent. I had fun. We always seem to meet such interesting characters yet I was hopelessly enslaved by my mood swings. My mind kept peering into the past especially because I didn't find a "distraction" (a.k.a. a guy to flirt with). Instead we had been befriended by a group of college students. I just graduated from school, but I felt so out of place. I felt so old, so mature, even though some of them were older than me. Change may be good, but the act of changing still makes me uncomfortable.

4 Comments:

Blogger ButterSnatch said...

Why are you no longer welcome?

2:05 PM  
Blogger The Graduate said...

We had a falling out. She no longer wishes to befriend me.

2:17 PM  
Blogger ButterSnatch said...

I had a "falling out" with my best friend of 15 years, about 3 years ago. She was a dear friend, confidant, drinking-buddy & all around good person. I got it in my head that she liked me in "THAT" way, so I ditched her. Now, in my defense, I was talked into this by my now ex-girlfriend (who incidentally wasn't comfortable with the relationship because of the whole girl-guy-friend factor). After we broke up, I took stock of my life & realized that i wanted, no, NEEDED her back in my life. So i called. It was a tough road to travel down, and it took her a while to get back into the swing of things, and she told me that if it was to happen again, there'd be no return, but it's been working out. My wife is very comfortable with the relationship i have with my girlfriend (that sounds a bit odd, doesn't it?), so it's all good.

I don't know how good a friend you were with this person, and i don't know the situation and the ins/outs and reasons for the fall out, but think about salvaging the relationship if it's possible. Dear friends are hard to come by.

10:18 AM  
Blogger The Graduate said...

I totally agree that good friends are hard to find. She and I were friends for 7+ years. She knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. I would love to make amends. However, I know how she is - she is stubborn and will absolutely not speak to me until she wants to, if that ever happens.

3:37 PM  

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