Monday, January 09, 2006


I may be overwhelming myself with the number of resolutions I have made for this year, but they are all things that I think are fairly imperative. I've already begun acting on most of them, but frequently that isn't the hard part. It's more difficult for me to keep going. Eventually there will be a million and one excuses that will tempt me not to continue my progress - indolence, love of food, lethargy, lack of self control & self discipline, loneliness, fear, paranoia, and so many more. As of now though I'm surprisingly motivated and I will use that motivation to its fullest.

1. I will not call or speak to him. There is no reason why I should. I should not want to associate with someone who has no interest in me. I am a great person and there is someone out there who will appreciate me. I do not have to keep taking blow after blow to my self-esteem simply because he doesn't know what he wants. Plus, I'm young. I want to have fun. I want to meet other people. I want to do things for myself and stop setting myself aside for him.

I've been fairly successful with this. I haven't contacted him since early December. I think about him still, though. That'll only stop over a longer period of time.

2. I will get healthy. I will not continue to eat when I'm already full. I will eat smaller portions so I can still enjoy eating a variety of food, but not overeat. I will exercise. I will be healthy enough not to get winded after jogging for a few minutes. There is no reason why I should get winded at the age of 21. I am old enough to understand that my family has a history of high blood pressure, diabetes, and cancer and to do something about it. Exercise and eating healthy will lower my risk and hopefully give me a better standard of living when I am old. I'm not gonna deny it though - I mainly want to be healthy now so my clothes fit and look better.

I'm trying really hard to eat more healthy food. It's just really hard in my house where there is a never ending supply for candy, cookies, cakes, chocolate, snack foods, and leftovers. Not to mention huge amounts of dinner every night. I really am trying. I've been using the elliptical machine at least 4 times a week, but like I said I'm easily winded since I'm so out of shape so I don't stay on for very long. I've called a gym to join, but whenever they call me back I'm not around and every time I call them back my contact isn't there. That's been fairly frustrating - especially because I don't know how long this motivation is going to last. Anyone know of a better gym for me to call? I'm looking for someone to teach me how to use the equipment, clean showers, lockers, and a pool, somewhere in midtown (anywhere from 5th Ave to 8th Ave between Columbus Circle and 40th St) or something close to the N,R,Q,W. Preferably nothing too expensive, but I'm willing to spend more for a clean place to shower afterwards.

3. I will *finally* try new activities. I have a list of things I've always wanted to do. I will start chipping away at this list. I will try new things. I will not fear doing these things without a friend in tow. I do not need to allow self imposed social anxiety prevent me from doing what I want to do or exploring new interests. Besides, it'll be a good opportunity to make new friends.

I've already gone out on a limb and I've signed up for a cooking class in February. I've also decided that I'm going to go to an event - I'll let you know more about that after I go. I feel a bit silly even thinking about going to this, but I can't rule it out if I've never gone before.

4. This is closely related to the previous resolution - I will do things outside of my comfort zone. I will learn to say no. I will stop placating people at my own expense.

We'll see how this goes.

Here's to a new year!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Random musings from yesterday's wandering

I was so focused on the fact that I remembered that I was uncool in high school that I forgot some of the other things that The Historian and I did yesterday.

Bloomindale's needs to lower the thermostat. It is ridiculously warm in there. I was completely parched by the time I left.

Did you know that there is a Home Depot in the city? As we were wandering around in search of a beverage, we came across it. It is unlike any other I've seen. It was neat, there was no musty smell, and the displays were fabulous! As you enter and take the escalator upstairs, they had a display meant to look like someone's apartment. On one side was a wonderful (kitchen? - I can't remember what room of the apartment) set up and there were these large "windows" overlooking a fantastic (cardboard) view of the city. On the other side of the windows was a "balcony" with outdoor table and chair set and a barbecue. Wonderful display concept.

I am completely aware that Dylan's Candy Bar is a total ripoff. $9.99 for a pound of bulk candy is completely ridiculous and yet I still couldn't control myself. I simply had to fill up my bag with jelly rings, chocolate covered gummy bears, turtles, and peach rings.

I most definitely prefer the Upper West Side to the Upper East.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Now I remember why I'm so insecure

As much as the past has scarred me, it has been a distant memory and I had forgotten who I was before I had started college. Today I was reminded of who I was when I was in high school.

I had met up with a friend of mine, The Historian, whom I haven't seen in 3 1/2 years. She and I are both horrible at keeping in touch with people so it really comes at no surprise that it's been that long. I recognized her as soon as I saw her standing outside of Five Points. She hadn't changed a bit.

We entered the restaurant for our favorite past time - eating. Brunch was fantastic and completely well worth all my anticipation. We started with mimosas and shared an order of churros and hot chocolate. The churros were tasty (and surprisingly thick and plentiful - I was not expecting five churros over one inch in diameter), but they weren't covered in enough sugar. That was corrected by dipping them in the warm, thick, hot chocolate. They didn't match up to the warm doughnuts I had at Stanton Social the other night, but they were still gratifying. What deep fried food isn't? Then we proceded with the meal. I had the turkey pot pie, which was absolutely to die for! It wasn't technically a pie, you see. The turkey filling was placed in the bottom of the dish. The sauce was neither too thick nor too thin. There were just enough vegetables and they were not overcooked or mushy, but they weren't too raw either. On top was a gently placed biscuit. The biscuit was fabulous as well! I could have eaten it all on its own. It was crispy, golden brown, and flaky on top and fluffy on the bottom. These two parts put together made for one really great dish and one very satisfied eater.

We continued to shop in the area. Two pitstops were at spaces where new and upcoming designers rent space to sell their goods. It was totally interesting to see what they had created. I really give these people credit - their work is what they have a passion for even though they've placed themselves in a precarious financial position. Besides that, some of them were really talented. They created unique pieces that were beautifully put together. I was tempted to buy a lot of clothes/jewelry, but I controlled myself and only got one citron necklace. It became a must have for me because I can wear it as a necklace three ways and as a belt. Come to think of it, I was so entranced by it's multipurpose nature that I never really checked the mirror to see what it looked like on me.

Wandering around SoHo was fun and much more enlightening than I had expected it to be. Chatting with The Historian had brought me back to the past. With comments she made in passing I remembered that in high school I wasn't part of the "in" crowd. Don't get me wrong - I had my circle of friends and had good times with them, but we were not the popular, pretty, pecunious, party girls. We had formed our own little cocoon and accepted each other's idosyncracies. We worked hard at school. We were obedient. We ate a lot. We got far more enjoyment out of the little things in life. We were fanatics of various things, things that many teenagers don't care for - Footloose, *NSYNC, Rent, Harry Potter, baseball and the list goes on and on. We were aware of things our peers never really discussed outside of school and found joy debating things like politics or religion. We had fun in our own way, but we didn't have fun with the in-crowd. We weren't complete social outcasts though; we had an amicable relationship with the in girls, but they were merely acquaintances. We were dorky, but that was ok because we could all be dorky together.

In any case, as comfortable as I was in my own group, I was more than aware of the fact that I was excluded from parties and other such gatherings. I didn't start getting pretty until the end of my junior year and I didn't really become "attractive" until the summer after I graduated high school. I was completely a late bloomer and even now I lack some key social skills. I didn't have a boyfriend until my freshman year of college and up until then I had worried that I wouldn't kiss anyone before I died. Yes, it was that bad.

Then college happened. My first year was horrible. I was a fish out of water. There wasn't anyone I really cared to socialize with. I transfered to another campus after a year. Ever since then, things have been on the up and up. Pledging my sorority has been one of the best things I've done thus far and that was really the first time I was ever part of anything that even remotely resembed the "in" crowed. Even though I didn't have an endless amount of friends in Greek life, girls in my sorority were (and still are) friends with girls in other sororities and guys in fraternities - in historically white, black and Latino Greek letter organizations. We can pretty much have a good time with anyone and people appreciate that about us. I didn't transform into Ms. Popular by any means in college, but I was far more comfortable in my own skin. (The extra male attention didn't hurt either).

Essentially the past two years temporarily erased my four years of high school and I had completely forgotten why I'm still insecure to this very day. Now that I remember, I hope I can do something about it.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


The weeks surrounding the holidays mean only one thing for college students - a month long vacation. I miss having long breaks immensely even though I've only been working for 5 months. No more 4 week long winter break or 3 month long summer break to look forward to.

I am exceptionally jealous of all my college friends who have this extended respite between semesters. For me, this month is not a break. It's a mad dash to catch up with friends who are home from school. It's been crazy trying to figure out how to see everyone while juggling my work life and commute.

Last week I had dinner at Stanton Social with The Southerner, a friend of mine from high school who had transplanted herself to the South for further education. I hadn't seen her since my birthday in August and there has been lots and lots to update each other on. I got there early so I went upstairs to wait for her by the bar. To my left was a couple exchanging presents. Or, rather, there was a guy giving a girl bag after bag and box after box of those pretty blue Tiffany boxes. I was forced to contemplate my singlehood for much too long, but finally The Southerner arrived in a frazzled state. I knew we had a lot to talk about.

As we walked down the stairs she burst into storytelling. When we arrived at our table we could barely cut the conversation long enough to select our meal. We needed to confer because Stanton Social offers those small plates that have become ridiculously popular as of late. We decided upon Red Snapper Tacos (a surprising delight!), French Onion Soup Dumplings (a dish the restaurant is known for - a complete and utter disappointment), Paella Cakes (so-so), Pulled Pork Sandwiches (another average dish). Once ordering was out of the way we continued to examine various events that comprise the tapas of our lives- tales of heart break, break-ups, hook-ups, future plans, friendships etc. etc. Soon, our meal and heated discussion was over and we shared a plate of warm doughnuts, covered in sugar, and dipped in caramel, chocolate, or strawberry sauce. The frenzy of recapping the past few months died down and life seemed much, much sweeter.