Wednesday, November 30, 2005


I am a person with very little patience, especially when it comes to stupid questions. By stupid questions I don't mean questions coming from those who are eager to learn, those who are inquisitive. Instead I define "stupid questions" as those that come from people too lazy to learn.

I feel like I'm faced by my "stupid question" dilemma nearly everyday at work. What makes it more frustrating is that it usually it comes from the same few mouths. Come to think of it, it's usually from the same mouth. I don't mind helping. In fact I am quite willing to do so. This is conditional though.

I understand that if you've never done a particular task before, you need someone to teach you how to do it. In this situation I am most understanding, of course. Then, as you do the task alone for the first few times, you may have follow up questions to clarify what I was saying in teh original lesson. That's perfectly acceptable in my book as well. However, when you've asked me the same question 16 times before, when you've failed to note my clarification time and time again, and I am busy trying to finish my own work please do not assume that I am ok with having to teach you the same lesson again. At this point, my patience wears very thin. Since I am so passive I go ahead and say the same exact thing I've told you a million times before even though it would be less painful for me to bang my head against the walls of my cubicle. There must be a better way to handle this situation without me completely losing my cool eventually.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Elevator Music

At work I am typically found under the following four circumstances:
1) So busy I don't have time to breathe or think
2) Uneventful and boring
3) At an offsite event, one not held in my office building
4) Running around like a lunatic for what seemingly feels like the whole day.

Today can most definitely be categorized as option #4. I have been running errands around the building all day.

However, there was a nice little diversion. As I waited for the elevator a random fellow employee started chatting it up with me. During our elevator ride he asked me what floor I worked on and what department I'm in. This in and of itself is not all that thrilling, but when you take into account the fact that we have a profile for each employee on our intranet things seem a bit brighter for me.

What can I say? Little things (ie. attention) make me a happy camper.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Girl on Top

A few weeks ago, while I was out with my friends I had met a cute guy and we had exchanged numbers. A few days later he hadn't called me and, for the first time ever, I made the first move and called. Surprisingly he called back. We talked for a bit and met up one afternoon. We wandered around looking for a place to eat and once we finished lunch he invited me back to his place for a drink.

As paranoid and mature as I am, when it comes to dealing with men I'm very naive (although my naivite is diminishing). I didn't know what going back to his place equated to. He grabbed some Coronas, we went upstairs to his room and watched some TV. One thing led to another and, because I was attracted to him, things went a bit further than I had anticipated. I was a bit freaked out because being with men I don't know is not something I typically do. I was also upset with my judgement call because during the course of our lunch date, I actually came to kind of take a liking to the guy.

I was expecting not to hear from him ever again. I chalked it up to experience and labeled it as such. I convinced myself that liking him wasn't plausible anymore because he only wanted one thing from me and he got it already. Much to my surprise he actually called me two days later. He left a message, I called him back the next day, got his voicemail, then... nothing. I didn't hear from him for about a week so I called him again and he called me back a few minutes later. We chatted and he said we would make plans to hang out "really soon." He then disappeared for another week when I texted him last Wednesday while I was looking for something to do that night. He texted back, invited me over in fact, but unfortunately for him my life is multi-faceted and I had already made alternate plans.

I am increasingly feeling like the pursuer in this situation and as much as I believe that women can be in a dominant role, I prefer not to do so in the dating field. Even if he just wants more of the same, can't he at least try to initialize contact? Is that so difficult?

Please, someone, anyone, enlighten me. I'm getting bored of men with no balls.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


The most amusing mindless fun I've found today:

justine is 90
justine is probably the sexually most stimulating book i have ever read
justine is experienced in all aspects of trade mark law
justine is a perfect example of why yachts are referred to in the female gender
justine is in the middle of reading jones’s mosquito; it is magnificent
justine is a new transfer student to shadyside high
justine is not intentionally bad
justine is 5?5 in height and weighs around one hundred and twenty pounds
(close enough)
justine is seed # 4 and gets a bye in the first round
justine is an emma bovary for the wal
justine is an institution
justine is a consumate live presenter
justine is bored with her life and it takes a new crewmember at the retail rodeo to shake her life up
justine is a past secretariat of the uk facilitator’s guild
justine is discovering that at thirty
justine is not a good girl
justine is okay
justine is torn and guilty
justine is thirty years old and works as a discount store clerk in texas
justine is a brilliant comic invention who comes into her own when she ends up as an au pair
justine is serving a long sentence with no chance of parole
justine is an animal lover
justine is almost immediately taken by him
justine is known more for its $20 spanking sessions than its culinary offerings
justine is abhorred by this
justine is freed on bail
justine is forced to cope with years of mundane normalcy
justine is being consistent with last time and feels sick all the time
justine is a gorgeous blonde that is a true "barbie
justine is a multi
justine is based on the classic four
justine is a very cute and sweet looking soft body
justine is a timorous
justine is one of two daughters of jerome gabionza
justine is about to be evicted from her apartment so
justine is the assistant director of the center
justine is weary
justine is both the title of alice thompson's first novel and the infamous work of the marquis de sade
justine is befriended by sister angélica
justine is a unique creation
justine is unremittingly morose and angry
justine is keen to get her first taste of city life straight away
justine is a star
justine is watching her life go by while working the cosmetics counter at the retail rodeo department store
is from a lower class and is a servant of the family
justine is an "individual thinker"
justine is about to unveil a new project thal both destroys the peception of a "woman's group" as an albatross and creates breathtaking new musical
justine is definitely both easy going and impulsive as well as a good laugh
justine is one act you will not want to miss
justine is a frustrated 30
justine is a snake
justine is sent to hell
justine is already married
justine is intrigued by what she sees in holden which is a kindred spirit in misery
justine is one of the most favoured high tech cosmetic and skin care products available in south africa
justine is also not far from its 90th birthday in november 1997
justine is able to manage a good work
justine is the book that got sade committed to the charenton asylum where he was imprisoned until his death
justine is the anti
justine is forced to decide between her safe
justine is unable to explain how she came to possess the picture
justine is bored with her small texas town
justine is three years old
justine is married to phil
justine is kidnapped by professor robson's enemy
justine is a thoroughgoing social fantastic
justine is an exception
justine is a fourth year chiropractic student at canadian memorial chiropractic college
justine is thrilled when she is offered the undercover role of assistant to preston montgomery
justine is strangely drawn to holden
justine is the only sufficiently developed character
justine is an accomplished and compelling storyteller
justine is a past secretariat of the european facilitators user group
justine is 5 _ and six months ago

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Black Friday

There are certain days where I look back at the past year and note the difference between the two. I ask myself what I had been doing on that exact day 365 days ago. Sometimes I look back fondly. Sometimes I realize how much I've grown. Sometimes it hurts. Yesterday was a combination of all three.

For the past few years the day after Thanksgiving had evolved into a tradition among my closest friends. The day after Thanksgiving meant going to Theresa's house to trim her tree. When day turned into night, we'd enjoy druken debauchery and I could induldge myself with seeing him - the one I haven't been able to stop being hung up on after all these years. Last night was the end of that tradition.

Change is always a painful action for me even though I realize that change can be good. Since I am no longer welcome to the traditional after Thanksgiving festivities I will no longer bump into him. This is exceptionally good timing because the last time I called, he ignored me. It hurt. It always does even though I've grown more numb to it now. I'm forcing myself to stop pursuing him because it's futile. We have chemistry, but he doesn't care about me. I wish I knew why I continue to want someone who doesn't have feelings for me. I think it's because I've deluded myself into thinking that he secretly does.

It also hurts because it's the manifestation of losing a dear friend. Theresa and I were friends for 7 years. Now she won't speak to me. This situation is especially surprising when dealing with her. Typically she faces a problem head on. She never had a problem confronting me before. For the past year she had been introverting her anger. I'd much rather she just scream and get it out of her system. It's unfortunate, but there's nothing I can do. She may have kept her mouth shut, but she's still as stubborn as she has always been. I know better than to continue to pester her about our friendship. She will approach me if she's ready to let go of her anger. Until then, I've lost her.

I met up with Christina in Park Slope instead. Seeing her last night felt perfectly natural despite how previous Black Fridays were spent. I had fun. We always seem to meet such interesting characters yet I was hopelessly enslaved by my mood swings. My mind kept peering into the past especially because I didn't find a "distraction" (a.k.a. a guy to flirt with). Instead we had been befriended by a group of college students. I just graduated from school, but I felt so out of place. I felt so old, so mature, even though some of them were older than me. Change may be good, but the act of changing still makes me uncomfortable.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Cliques should've ended in high school

In high school I learned that certain people are drawn to particular groups of people. It's not possible for everyone to be best friends with everyone else. Certain interests, activities, behaviors set people apart from one another. Going to a small school, however, I saw that these groups could peacefully coexist and interact with one another. Most of the time I felt perfectly comfortable approaching people who I didn't speak to on a daily basis.

In college I couldn't be bothered with cliques. I talked to everyone that I wanted to.

My department is very team-centric. It has to be. Little tedious tasks - gathering information, making calls, preparing supplies, etc. - are dealt with so much easier when they are shared by several people. We all interact with each other at the events themselves too. So it really surprised me to realize that I would have to deal with cliques at the workplace.

About 5 people who are in their early 20s started this summer. 4 of the 5 just graduated from college. 4 of the 5 are female. Naturally a person would group us together. That person would be wrong.

It's not that we don't get along, but I don't understand exclusivity. I've never been in an environment where I had to deal with that. I was always welcome. Now all of a sudden I'm not. I'm excluded from after-work debauchery. I'm excluded from weekend fun. Now don't get me wrong, it's only been several times, but that doesn't make it any less annoying.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Working is Hazardous to Your Health

Everyone had warned me about gaining the freshman 15 once I entered college. They were wrong. My weight had stabalized and I had actually lost a few pounds as well. No one ever warned me about graduation gain. Moving back home to a house full of snacks, sweets, and heavy meals has made me gain back all the weight I had lost. On top of that I have to face the danger zone (also known as my office).

I have very little self control. I want what I want when I want it. I fail to realize the consequences. If I do, I don't care about them until after they come to fruition. This is the predicament I face nearly every time I go into work. In the world of event planning, food is ordered in excess and leftovers are readily available for me to graze on. "Lucky" for me, there's a file cabinet in front of my desk whose primary purpose is to hold all these goodies and taunt me. The cabinet has showcased sandwiches, salads, pasta, pesto, cookies, cakes - all types of food that a person can imagine. After Halloween there was an overwhelming supply of sweet treats. I have been unable to say no to any of them. Everytime my willpower is tested I fail. Miserably.

Because of all the food I've eaten, I'm starting to feel sluggish. My clothes no longer fit properly. My cheeks are plump. My stomach is too. I don't like feeling like this.

I've tried to start exercising, but after commuting 2 hours from work I'm just too tired to motivate myself and go on the elliptical machine. The machine itself is frustrating as well. I feel overexerted since I'm so out of shape. I'm out of breath in less than 5 minutes. I wish there was a kickboxing class I could go to instead.

When I move into the city, I hope to eliminate all these problems and more.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Child's Play

This morning we had a showing of Harry Potter. All was fine and dandy. The kids were extremely excited. I got to see the movie for free (and we all know how much I like getting things for free).

At the end of the movie, we had given away some little toys and trinkets for the kids who attended the show. I had made the mistake of having the following conversation:

Me: "I'm sorry, we're only giving the gifts to the children."
Woman: "We'll, I should've gone to [competitor]'s instead..."

Considering she was even invited to this event, she could have afforded to purchase the contents of all 150 gift bags and have plenty left over. Sometimes adults can be so ungrateful. Sometimes they can act more childish than children.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Field Trip

One of the reasons I enjoy my job so much is the fact that I'm not chained to my desk. Granted, I do spend a good amount of time there, but every so often the job calls for me to venture out. Today was one of those days.

Aaron invited me to go on a site visit to the newly reopened Top of the Rock. I never really thought about visiting the space until he brought it up this morning. I wasn't busy today so off we went to see what kind of event the space could contain. Our group of nine entered the building and went on the elevator very professionally.

As soon as we reached the Observation Deck it was a whole 'nother story. The crisp, cold air rouged our cheeks and bolted us to alertness. The vibrant azure sky and fall foliage of Central Park were breathtaking backdrops. We all became little kids, giddy from the gorgeous view. Smiling from ear to ear we chatted with tourists and gladly took their cameras so we could freeze that moment in time. Being in this place didn't feel like work. It felt like fun!

We returned to the office about an hour later refreshed and still peppered with the giddiness we had experienced before. All day I have not had the stress induced headaches I've been plagued with all week. I've felt light and airy all day. A guess this is what a few moments outdoors does to a girl.

I'm not really one to do touristy things. I never went to the Oberservation Deck of the World Trade Center. I just visited my dad at work on the 97th floor. I broke up with the person I had made plans to go the Empire State Building with. I use the Staten Island Ferry as mass transit. Both of my attempts to go to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty (for real field trips in grammar school) failed due to weather. There was just something about the Top of the Rock, though that makes me want to go back. I'd saunter in at 11 p.m., buy the last pair of tickets they have for the day and admire the view, cuddling with someone I care about. At the stroke of midnight we'd be as giddy as my group was today and we'd merrily continue our evening feeling like we are 67 stories above the ground.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Safety Net

You asked me once what the difference was - why I kept contact with you and why I didn't have any interest in continuing contact with him. I didn't know the reason why then. I do now.

Every time I feel a little bit "off," when things don't go my way, when I'm sad, when I'm lonely - I have this undeniable urge to give you a call and spend time with you. You always made me feel safe from the challenges of the world. With you, I felt comfortable and safe. You helped me form a cocoon to protect me from the elements and save me from myself. The only thing you couldn't protect me from was you.

Don't get me wrong. You've never laid a finger on me (as in you've never hurt me physically). As of late, you hadn't even been critical of me, my dramatics or my tears. Yet, it never fails to happen: The moment I trust you will be there for me is always the moment when you choose to drop off the face of the Earth. I'd really like to witness the thought process behind this action. Sometimes it feels like you do it on purpose. You reel me in, you make me feel safe, and then ::poof!:: You disappear.

This time is different though. The only good thing that may have stemmed from losing her friendship is that there is very little chance that you and I will ever bump into each other. I know you won't ever call me (because that would indicate the Apocalypse) so in order to see you I would have to contact you. It's been two and a half years of this on and off. I think I may have finally gotten sick of this game. No wait. I think for self-preservation purposes I have to make myself get sick of this game.

What will I do the next time I'm stranded and have no where else to go? I'll be alone and that's terrifying.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

In the beginning...

I've always promised myself that I would write in my journal often to figure out what I've done, what I'm doing, and what it is I plan on doing with myself. You know, do some good 'ole soul searching and self-revelation. This plan was all well and good at the beginning of the summer, right after graduation. I didn't have a job. I didn't want one. Until the end of the summer, that is, so I could spend my last 3 month vacation until retirement at leisure.

In August the summer of leisure ended. In came the beginning of a new career and some cash, out went most of my time for instropection. Needless to say, I've been slacking with the writing. Can you imagine me whipping out my journal sitting in my cubicle or at an event? I think not.

Things are a lot more confusing in the "real world." Not confusing. That makes it sound like it's a bad thing. Everything is so open-ended, so seemingly infinite. There are a multitude of options for every single decision I have to make. I'm looking to find some focus. I'm looking to find me - wherever that may be.