Monday, December 19, 2005

It's the most wonderful time of the year

I have not had time to post. We had just about a badillion holiday parties to work last week. On Friday I got home and crashed. I passed out, completely forgot I had a Christmas party to go to. Whoops.

About two weeks ago we had another set of newbies in my department. I was pleasantly surprised. All three were down to earth and I could see myself hanging out with the new girls. So on Saturday, despite not feeling well, I decided to go to my new coworker's (aka. "Joy") Christmas party. She and her two roommates had invited their friends over for a cocktail party. I was really glad I went. First of all, her apartment was very quaint - it resembles the future apartment I have envisioned for myself. Besides that, it was nice to be surrounded by people who didn't have any preconceived notions about me. I fluttered from conversation to conversation. I was comfortable even though I only knew three others who had attended. I was even comfortable after two of those three people had left. I felt like I was in my element. I didn't feel out of place even though I was surrounded by strangers. I felt attractive, even though no one tried to hit on me (the fact that I felt attractive is even more surprising because there was a person that I was interested in and he didn't ask me for my number as I had hoped). I chatted up a storm and Joy later told me that her friends had thought I was really nice. Granted, this was all based on a first impression, but at least it reassures me that I'm not completely socially inept.

I am unreasonably harsh when judging my own social aptitude. Sometimes I think I'm congenial and social. Other times I think I'm standoffish and not talkative enough. Of course, this insecurity stems from another insecurity - that men aren't attracted to me. I've come to terms with my physical appearance. I consider myself somewhat attractive. I only think I'm ugly on very bad days. Otherwise I carry myself with confidence. Despite this, I still question my personality even though the people I come across seem to enjoy my company.

I need to learn to just be myself and accept myself as such instead of trying to keep reaching my "better" self. Always seeking perfection is a frustrating, neverending chase.

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