Monday, December 05, 2005

One is the Loneliest Number

I went back to my college this weekend for my sorority's semi-formal. For some reason, it didn't occur to me to bring a date. That in and of itself hardly bothers me though. I did, afterall, go to my senior prom alone with no qualms.

It was fun seeing everyone again. Since most of my friends are set to graduate this coming May, it was just like old times.

Afterwards we rented a party bus to celebrate two birthdays. I wasn't bothered that everyone was paired up until we boarded the bus. We drove around the city, made a few stops here and there. With each stop I got more and more sullen. Perhaps it was my drunken state (actually, I'm almost positive that it was because of my drunken state), but I threw caution to the wind and I texted him. Mind you, I was doing really well. I hadn't contacted him in over a month. I had even said goodbye. I truly thought we'd never see each other again even though I didn't want that to be the case. We texted back and forth:

me: What's up?
him: I'm out. How about you?
me: In the city with my friends. In the village.
him: I saw you on west 4th.
me: You wanna meet up?
him: Can't tonight. But maybe tomorrow.

I didn't respond to him after that. I figured that was the end of the conversation until I received another text:

him: Actually @ home now
me: Too late. Maybe next week.
him: Rough. Found a better offer?
me: No. Just missed your chance tonight. Weather's getting bad.

And that was the end of that. I have no idea why I torture myself like this. I know he's no longer interested in me. We stopped officially dating ages ago. We can't seem to find our way to becoming "just friends." Yet, I'm still having the hardest time letting go.

Meanwhile, when he told me that he didn't want to see me I felt the need to contact this guy. It wasn't even because I wanted to see him. I just wanted a replacement after he said that he didn't want to spend time with me. I should just delete the new guy's phone number because I don't really ever want to see him. He's just a back-up. Someone to bolster my ego when he deflates it.

Why do I continue to want to spend time with him? He doesn't reciprocate my feelings. It defies logic.

4 Comments:

Blogger ButterSnatch said...

Please tell me that you only THOUGHT about calling the guy from "GIRL ON TOP" and didn't actually call him...

A little bit of a masochist are we?

4:25 PM  
Blogger The Graduate said...

I've always been a bit of a masochist. For some reason, I always choose to do or learn things the hard way even if I am aware that I am making things more difficult on myself. Therefore, I contacted two people I shouldn't have on Saturday night.

Just to clarify, I texted the guy from girl on top, not because I wanted to see him, but because I was rejected by someone else.

11:36 AM  
Blogger George said...

Justine,

I hear your pain in not wanting to let go of this guy you cared about. I just don't think it's possible to be friends with an ex.

It's no fair to him or you. I believe we have to create space for a new relationship. And that means closing doors on old ones, no matter how painful.

Relationships are like a smoking. If you want to quit, it takes two months of pain and suffering, at a minimum, to kick the habit. And that doen't mean grabbing "only one" smoke here and there. Cold turkey sucks. But look on the bright side...at some point down the road you open your fridge and you've got something pretty damn good to eat.

12:29 PM

12:31 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

I have the same problem, I can't seem to let go of my ex. Whenever I get really drunk I text him. Last night I was just thinking about how great he was, he obviously wasn't. But it's hard getting involved with new people, they don't love me the way he did and I don't love them the way I loved him. We are currently "in a fight" so I hope this means we will never talk again. But sometimes you don't want to be alone.

1:59 PM  

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