Friday, December 23, 2005

Let it go...

During finals and midterms in high school, my gym teacher would have us do a relaxation exercise. We'd lie down on the floor and she'd instruct is to tighten muscles in a particular part of our body and then tell us to "let it go" when it was time to release the pressure. Surprisingly, it actually worked, but I never took the time to do it on my own.

Unfortunately, years later, I still have not yet learned to relax. Instead, I've mastered being tense and holding onto things that upset me.

My company's holiday party is the first event where I can enjoy myself since I don't have to work all evening. My shift is over early enough to allow me to participate in the flawless evening. The decor has transformed the space into a winter wonderland. The band is fantastic; their covers are played just as the original bands and artists intended. It seems as if the song selection is determined by the iPod of a music fanatic set to random. Songs cater to everyone's taste. The food is traditional with a witty twist. Beer and wine is flowing. Because I like my coworkers, the company is grand as well. Everything seems to be going right. By now, I should be wary of having too much fun because that is precisely the moment when the tension of the past returns, but I am fooled by the festivities.

The impeccability of the evening continues as I get ready to leave. I have just enough wine and feel just lonely enough to dig through my bag, find my Blackberry, and call him. Of course he doesn't pick up. Why would he? He's never there when I miss him anyway. Minutes after I get into the car my Blackberry starts to vibrate. It's him! We chat for a bit. Then I find myself accusing him of not wanting to speak to me anymore. He tells me it's not that he doesn't want to talk to me. It's just that I leave him angry text messages. I let the comment go for the rest of the conversation, but true to form, let it bother me. We hang up. It keeps eating at me. Let the texting begin:

Me: I haven't sent angry text messages in a while
Him: I guess. But one day you're mad and the next day you're not.
Me: Internally I suppose. You free tomorrow night?

Blah blah blah - we end up making plans to have drinks at his place the next night.

While I'm at work the next afternoon I get a text on my cell phone and my Blackberry - He just found out that he has to have dinner with a client that night. He proposes that we meet up next week. I tell him to inform me when and I'll check my calendar. No response. The next day I text and ask him how dinner went. No response. Saturday, on another late night drunken text against my better judgement, I ask, "I don't understand why me being mad at you sometimes even matters to you." Surprisingly he responds, "Of course it does. I wouldn't want that!" Sunday I ask him if we're still on for this week. No response. It just so happens that I've been tired and sick so I really haven't had time or energy to deal with him. The moment I have a tinge of energy I use it to text him (completely sober this time) saying, "For someone who doesn't want to anger me you sure do it often. Thanks for ignoring me and blowing me off yet again."

He's completely infuriating! I hate it when he ignores me. Few things eat at me more. Why can't he just be constant?! Pick one. Choose to speak with me or choose to ignore me. Is that so difficult? I, of course, can choose to stop contacting him as well, but like I said I still haven't learned how to just let it go. I can't let go of the memories. I can't let go of missing him. I can't let go of all the ways he's taken care of me even though he's told me that he cares about me, but doesn't love me anymore.


Blogger ButterSnatch said...

If you don't mind me asking... how old are you? It seems to me, and this is just an opinion mind you, that it's taking you WAY too long to get over this "him" character that quite obviously wants NOTHING to do with you. A mature, female adult that has her wits about her would have realized this a LONG time ago (me slapping you upside your head)! Now, I'm assuming you're stable (too much of an assumption?), and I'm assuming this guy wasn't your first (too much of an assumption?) and even if he was your first, can I assume that the only reason you want to hook up with him is to reassure yourself, on some sort of girly level that I'm not privy to, that he still likes you and wasn't just using you in the first place? How many lines have I crossed with this comment...?

4:21 PM  
Blogger The Graduate said...

I totally agree with you. It has most definitely taken me way too long to get over him. Typically I am an extremely logical person, but he seems to defy my own logic. Trust me when I say that you are not the first one to slap me upside the head. I've even slapped myself upside the head, but it always seems to wear off at one point or another.

To answer your questions: I am 21. I am stable. He was my first. I'm sure that several years ago he did have feelings for me, but somewhere along the way those feelings wavered, then dissipated and I’ve been in denial ever since. You’ve crossed several lines with your comment, but I must say – I love the anonymity of the internet and the frankness it invokes.

I’m not quite sure what it is that keeps me hooked on him. Perhaps it’s familiarity. Perhaps it’s because he knew me before I was as jaded as I am today. Perhaps it’s the fact that I really think if something were truly to go wrong, he’d be there for me.

9:54 AM  

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